"Just Get Over It!"
Now before you react to these words - one way or another - I invite you to please read on. Firstly, I am not a fan of the ‘Just get over it!’ brigade. Secondly, I am a fan of the ‘Let’s learn and grow through all of our experiences, as best we can’, way of thinking.
Many of those who belong to the ‘just get over it’ school of thought have either not had similar experiences (to those that need to be got over) – or - they have denied and deeply buried them and do not dare be reminded.
We can easily confuse suppression with getting over something. Often, what most harmed us is suppressed or repressed, rationalised, intellectualised, projected, displaced, sublimated or denied. What is the point of having an impactful experience if we just quickly get over it without any reflection, introspection, learning, sharing and general evolvement? I would have thought we have experiences to - experience them.
Getting over something prematurely and according to others’ agendas, when the underlying trauma has not been fully dealt with, can potentially cause great harm to our bioenergy systems. It is the same with forcing forgiveness according to some spiritual correctness – it just does not work. We need to be reminded that what is lurking, unhealed, in the recesses of our mind will still be exerting an enormous, ongoing influence on our psychological and physical health and the outworking of our lives.
Society as a whole, and often the family to which you belong, does not want to remember the wounds that you might be representing. They do not want to open that can of worms and look at the shadow of the groups with which they align. It goes against their idealised self-image and threatens their dearly held status quo. It takes individuals who choose to consciously engage and heal, rather than further unconsciously perpetuate unhealthy patterns, to blow the whistle and forge a different way. And the wave is increasing – have you noticed?
It is often considered somehow tacky and distasteful to express a truth if it is an unpleasant one - and those who do, take an enormous risk. Many believe we will attract more of the same if we put our focus on the unwanted. Personally, I believe we need to bring out of hiding and acknowledge what needs to be addressed, healed and changed. We need to first recognise what it actually is we are meant to be over. What we are aware of, we can deal with.
Sometimes we just don’t know what we are meant to get over. Particularly when adverse events were experience at a very early age, there is often no concrete memory to get over but rather a background pervasive emotional tone related to the environment in which one was immersed. Rather than specific adverse events, it might be the atmosphere in which one grew up and how one was generally regarded by their significant caregivers that caused so much ongoing harm. We know that emotional neglect has as much, if not more, deleterious effects on the recipient as specific adverse experiences.
I recently heard someone cite a study that “proved” that 50% of memories were false. Um, I thought that all memories were (by definition) accurate, as memories are subjective experiences. A memory is 100% of itself. A memory is a very personal thing. That does not mean that others witnessed, perceived and experienced events in the same way as you did, but who actually decides what the exact truth is? As there is no purely objective reality, there will always be a subjective flavour, and maybe bias, to anyone’s experiences and memories. Your memory is your memory, no-body else’s – research study or not.
Much of what significantly adversely affects us is often experienced when we are pre-verbal and unable lay down memories in the fashion that an adult can. We judge the childhood experience from an adult mind, forgetting that what remains unhealed from childhood will be tucked away, at the level of when it arose, despite maturity in other areas. The adult mind has difficulty in recognising and engaging those unhealed early life aspects, particularly when the culture does not support this process.
It has been well demonstrated that when trauma has been experienced, the limbic system of the brain is affected, with the hippocampus shrinking and the amygdala (our danger radar) enlarging. As the hippocampus is vital for the laying down of memories, this adaptation will indeed affect one’s recall of memories but, more so, it will result in a deficit of memory rather than faulty ones. Having enquired about the childhoods of thousands of my patients, I would say that the default, by far, is to either underestimate any adverse experiences in childhood or, more so, to have little memory at all. This is often when their bodies and health issues are telling me a very different story.
A more esoteric understanding is that when trauma is experienced in early life, part of the psyche can split off from the whole and take with it those splintered ‘memories’. The earlier this happens, the more fragmented are the memories as they often remain disconnected from the whole. This is a survival mechanism, as the individual, at a young age, often does not have the ego strength to deal with the situation he or she is exposed to. Helpful in the short term but very detrimental in the long term. This process causes fracturing of the being and I have no doubt this phenomenon contributes to later psychological and physical illness – unless those dissociated parts are re-integrated.
I regularly see people strain and fight to keep memories at bay or quickly divert their attention when getting too close to what has been relegated to the unconscious mind. This is a ploy by the ego mind to not engage what it has decided is unacceptable. This is an unconscious process. That lid wants to be firmly pushed back down. Of course this is a survival technique and we know that engaging memories when one is not ready, nor appropriately supported, can be re-traumatising. We also know it is not about the memory or story per se, but about the meaning one puts on the experience and the related deleterious effects that are retained in the mind-body.
However, for those who do recall memories, they might be told by others, often other family members, that their memories are faulty, exaggerated, dramatised, inconsistent, attention-seeking or just plain wrong. They are often accused of being the victim, or worse – a 'sook', if they dare recount their experiences – as they experienced them. Different siblings can have very different experiences related to how they were treated by their parents and, thus, very different memories.
No one shares the exact same reality as anyone else. There are many nuances of experience that another, even within the same family or group, will not necessarily be aware of. As said, children are often not regarded and treated the same way by the same parents and, like the most insidious bullying, these differences might appear to be very subtle on the surface and fly well under the radar of others’ perceptions. However, the recipient of selected ill treatment is, at some level, well aware of it – unless they completely suppress their experience to comply with others’ versions of reality.
You cannot appeal to understanding from others who have not had the same or similar experiences as you – the ones you need to get over. They will just not get it (sadly this includes many health care professionals). They are living very different realities and when you attempt to get their understanding it can plunge you into enormous isolation where you question yourself, your own perceptions - and even your sanity. I suggest you seek advice from those who are skilled in this area and who have successfully healed similar experiences to yours.
People who did have their nurturance needs met will never understand those who did not. They cannot. They will just not fathom the levels of confusion, isolation, devastating loneliness, lack of self-worth and, often, intense self-hated experienced by those who were subject to childhood abuse and neglect. Do not let anyone judge you or tell you what you did or did not experience or when to get over it, as getting over it might well be a lifetime’s journey.
Even when we believe we are over something, the human system does not forget and will at some stage, somehow, remind us of what is not healed and integrated. Everything we have personally experienced, in addition to our family and ancestral memory, and the collective consciousness of humanity itself, is recorded somewhere in the layers of our consciousness. We tuck a lot away into our subconscious/unconscious mind.
Even when the mind does not, the body (including those more primal parts of the brain) remembers. What is unhealed and relegated to the subconscious/unconscious mind will still have an enormous influence on an individual’s later physical and psychological health and how they interact with life. What remains unresolved is very often unconscious, yet is still putting out a powerful energy of attraction.
We will attract similar experiences to those that are unresolved. It is life’s way of trying to make us conscious of them. Life has a way of making us re-visit and re-experience what we have tried so hard to avoid. Emotional pain will get our attention. This might come in many different guises (though the theme will be the same) in an attempt to bring up those emotions and related aberrant beliefs, so as to have a good hard look at them and further opportunity to change them.
Often what we consider to be our major traumas have less adverse effects on us than those that might appear to be subtler, as the major traumas are often dealt with consciously. It is often the insidious beliefs and thinking patterns, related to some not so obvious (or long forgotten) wounds that can have a much more harmful effect in the long run. Bringing awareness to those rogue subconscious programs will certainly help dissolve them and reduce their potency.
The ultimate aim is to get over it – or to at least learn the lessons inherent in those experiences we have so struggled with. We do have to, personally, deal with the hand we were dealt. No one else can do it for us, though they can guide. If we are able to effectively get over something quickly, all the better. Some, though, might never fully get over the wound, yet evolve through it and get on with life despite it.
Yes, people can hang onto the story and try to mine all sorts of advantages from so doing. Rather than viewing the holding on to past difficulties as a deliberate ploy, it helps to explore why this is done. It is usually a deeply unconscious process and driven by a survival program that is very tenacious in trying to keep the individual safe. Exploring these areas is entering the ‘shadow’. Many will not want to engage this process, preferring to gain succour from more conventional treatments and life’s distractions; yet, it is a rich and rewarding journey for those who have the courage to do so.
And it does take considerable courage to face and address the reasons why we might be holding onto the story and the pain. We need to examine the possible ‘pay-offs’ for doing so. Ideally with compassion rather than judgement. We need to bring out of hiding those surreptitious benefits and take responsibility for our ego attachments to the wounds and the attitudes we have instilled in response to our life experiences. Appropriate healing will help us let go of the victim stance.
Sometimes people also do need to fully recount their story and have others understand their experiences – and the effects on them - before they can let it go. We all need someone we can trust to ‘bear witness’ to our significant life experiences. We also need to know when it is for our benefit to let the story go. Others can encourage us to do so but no one can tell us exactly when.
There is a delicate balance between developing acceptance, resilience and endurance from all we live through, and maintaining an open heart that will not shy away from the full experiencing of life’s vicissitudes. Integration of one’s experiences, and the resultant development of wisdom, is the name of the game - rather than suppressing, discarding or ‘fixing’.
So, when someone commands you to “Just get over it!”, maybe you could respond by saying - “I would if I could and I will when I can”. I hope they understand that no-one, consciously, wants to be in pain. Yes, set the intention to evolve beyond your adverse experiences, while learning the utmost from them, and trust that you will get over it at exactly the time that is right for you.
Dr Catherine Fyans is a holistic medical practitioner (retired)/conscious health facilitator and the author of The Wounding of Health Care: From Fragmentation to Integration